Give Me Your Eyes, I Need Sunshine
by my-other-ride-is-your-mum
Summary: Angsty slightly AU oneshot - Naomi dealing with her estranged father dying. Focuses on her life-long friendship with Effy and her relationship with Emily.


**A/N: I had this little angsty one-shot half-written from a while ago and I found it on my computer while I was cleaning out shit and decided to finish it. I wrote it because I kinda wanted to explore the Naomi/Effy friendship a bit because I liked it on the show and we didn't get enough of it...it's AU in the sense that Naomi and Effy have been friends since childhood. I also just wanted to write a little about friendship because my best friend is amazing and I feel like bragging. She shows up at my apartment with a banana smoothie after I tell her I'm fine because she knows that I'm not. She makes me laugh more than anyone else on the planet and knows what I'm thinking before I say a word. She shares my Geva Mentor obsession. She's my person. I hope you're all lucky enough to have one too.**

* * *

.

.

"We actually going in today?"

Naomi shrugs off Effy's question and takes another drag of her cigarette, deep into her lungs, concentrating on the feeling of the smoke filling her chest. She knows she shouldn't smoke, she knows what it's done to her father, but in some ways it feels like the ultimate _fuck you_ and she can't make herself stop. Thinking of Emily and the possibilities for their life together is the only thing that usually makes her stop, but not today. Not when she's standing outside of this house again, feeling like everything inside of her is trying to claw its way out.

"This is the third day," Effy prods gently, not wanting to push her friend too far but also knowing that sometimes she needs a little push.

Naomi just nods because she doesn't have an answer. She knows Effy doesn't mind her dragging her here for the third day in a row – it's not like either of them have anything better to do this summer – but she also knows that taking two trains and a bus just to stand outside of a house for three days is a bit ridiculous. Even for them.

She studies the old house. It's falling into disrepair.

_Just like the owner_, she thinks to herself.

Her mind drifts to what might await her inside. What he might look like now. She's gotten sporadic updates from her mum but she thinks she's probably not prepared to actually see it. See him like this. She wonders what his reaction will be to seeing her again. Whether he will even let her in so they can sit in the lounge and make awkward small talk, or whether he will tell her to come back another time but really mean never. She's not sure which she'd prefer. Her mum had told her how he'd been asking about Naomi visiting, but she's not sure if she believes it. He's barely made an effort to see her in years. Or maybe he just won't answer the door at all. Maybe he's dead already. That's what she used to wish for, for him to be dead and all the pain he caused to be gone with him, and now she sometimes feels like this is her fault. Like she wished this on him and now that she's getting what she asked for it doesn't feel like what she wants at all. She just feels guilty. So fucking guilty all the time. Every time her mum mentions him or every time she thinks about him. Then she gets angry because it's not fair that she's the one who feels guilty. She's not the one who caused all the hurt in the first place.

Naomi realises that her hand is shaking and she drops her cigarette down onto the footpath, rubbing it out with her shoe before turning and walking back the way they came. "Come on."

She hears Effy sigh and then footsteps catching up behind her.

_Tomorrow_, she tells herself. She'll do it tomorrow.

-x-

Naomi glances at her phone after it vibrates in her pocket with a text from Emily. She ignores it and slips her phone back into her pocket, guilt weighing down on her chest. She'll just feel even worse if she reads it because she knows it's a lovely text from her lovely girlfriend and she doesn't deserve it.

Effy studies her on the train ride home and Naomi can feel it, expects it after all these years, but it still makes her a little uneasy. Though not nearly as uneasy as the way those penetrating eyes did the first time they landed on her in a classroom fourteen years ago.

She knows it's Effy's way of asking a question without using words. Just staring until the weight of whatever Naomi is holding inside bears down so much that she has no choice but to let it out, to voice it.

But Naomi has gotten used to this after so many years, she has gotten better at waiting Effy out, and the brunette has gotten better at actually voicing her questions.

"Have you told Emily about this yet?"

It's the question she had been expecting but still, shame forces her eyes down because she knows it's a shitty thing she's doing – not telling her girlfriend, the girl she loves more than anything, and she knows Emily will be hurt when she finally does tell her.

She just can't. Not before she does this.

Her gaze lifts to meet her friend's and Effy's expression is a little reproachful, which only makes Naomi feel worse about all of this.

"Emily's not like us," she tries to explain, as much to herself as to the brunette. "She's...happy. You know, she sees the good in things and people and glass half full and all that bollocks. You and me aren't like that. We're fucked up."

"Got the scars on my wrists to prove it," Effy says with a smirk and a playful glint in her eye.

Naomi scoffs out a laugh and thinks the fact that the two of them are joking about Effy's suicide attempt four years ago only proves her point further.

She knows she could tell Emily. That she _should_. Going to see the father you've convinced yourself you hated who is dying is something you should tell the person you love, the person you're building your life with. She knows that Emily will do and say all the right things and be sympathetic and loving and try to understand but the simple reality is that she won't and she can't. She'll never understand these feelings that Naomi has. She'll never understand why Naomi hates her father but loves him at the same time, and Naomi will never be able to explain it because she doesn't really know how to. She herself doesn't understand why she feels this incredible weight on her chest when she thinks about her dad dying. She doesn't know whether it's because she's relieved or sad but she feels like either option is wrong. Like everything she feels about it is wrong. It's not Emily's fault and Naomi actually loves that her girlfriend can't understand because it means that Emily is not as screwed up as she is. That Emily came from a loving and stable family and that she doesn't know what it's like to feel rejected by someone who was supposed to love you no matter what.

Effy understands. Effy has always understood, ever since they were young. The brunette was there for her when Naomi's father walked out for the final time when she was eight. Was there when Naomi tried not to cry on her ninth birthday because she didn't hear from her dad at all, or the few years after that. She was there when Naomi was sixteen and found out that he had other children. Other children that he abandoned just like he did her.

And Naomi was there when Effy's mum had an affair. When her dad walked out and her brother got hit by a bus and her family fell apart.

It was Naomi and Effy long before Naomi and Emily and there are just some things that Emily can't understand, and Naomi knows that it doesn't make their love any less amazing and powerful and life-altering and forever, it just means that sometimes Emily can't be the one to help her. Just like how sometimes Katie is the only one who can help Emily.

A light kick on her shin breaks Naomi out of her daze and her head lifts to find Effy offering a rare comforting smile.

Naomi smiles back, knowing it's her friend's way of saying _I love you_ and _you're going to be okay_ and _I'm here for you_, things she'll never really say out loud. Neither of them will because that's just how they are. How they've always been.

-x-

Naomi almost tells Emily that night when the redhead comes home from her summer job working at her dad's gym and asks her how her day was.

She doesn't like lying to her girlfriend and even though she tells Emily that she just hung out with Effy, which is technically true, she still feels shitty about lying.

It makes her even angrier with her father because if he hadn't been such an asshole she wouldn't be so fucked up about him dying and she wouldn't be lying to Emily about it.

But Emily helps her without even knowing it, just like she always does, just by loving her. When they settle in to bed that night Emily holds her and kisses her and makes love to her like she's the most precious thing in the world and with her Naomi feels like she actually might be. Like whatever happens tomorrow will be okay because she gets to come home to Emily.

-x-

"Will you come in with me?"

Naomi's voice is small and not at all like what Effy is used to hearing from her and her eyes widen a little. She hadn't been expecting that request, but she recovers quickly and nods. She doesn't really want to go into that house and see that poor bastard but there's not a lot she wouldn't do for her best friend.

Naomi nods her head as she convinces herself that this is what she wants to do, then reaches for the latch on the gate and eases it open. Her heart is thumping in her chest and her legs feel weak as she walks up the path and stops at the front door.

Her mind is telling her that it's still not too late. That she can turn around and not come back tomorrow, not come back ever again and feel totally fine about it. But her gut tells her that isn't true. That she's here for a reason and she'll regret it if she doesn't do what she came to.

She's thankful when Effy makes the decision for her, knocking on the door a couple of times. The brunette knows when her friend needs to be pushed.

"Man up Campbell."

Naomi knows that's as encouraging as Effy's going to get.

She holds her breath as she hears footsteps making their way slowly towards the door. She feels like her heart is going to explode as she hears the key turning, watches as the door pulls open slowly revealing her father.

"Naomi."

It comes out in a strained wispy breath and he's clearly surprised to see her, even though her mother told her that he'd been asking about her possibly visiting. But he looks glad too, a hint of a smile on his lips.

Naomi runs her eyes over the man in front of her who looks nothing like she remembers, and it's exactly what she had expected but also a million times worse than anything she could have imagined. It's one thing to picture death and it's another to be confronted by it.

It's been four or so years since she's seen him but her father looks like a shadow of the man she remembers in her head. The man in her memory is big and strong, with broad shoulders and an imposing presence, his voice deep and booming. The man in front of her is thin and frail, his skin sagging limply from his bones and his once thick hair thinned to almost nothing. His breathing is laboured and wheezy and all Naomi can think is that he looks so fucking sick and now she knows what someone who's dying looks like.

She takes it all in and fights the urge to cry, not at all understanding why she even wants to. Why she should even care. All her feelings are jumbling around so that she can't even tell them apart anymore, they're just a wave building inside her.

"Dad."

-x-

She knows she has tears in her eyes for most of the train ride home but also knows that Effy won't say anything about it. She doesn't need to.

Naomi's still not sure how to feel about any of this. Nothing feels right. She's hurt and disappointed and angry with herself because she didn't even know it but she had been foolishly hoping that seeing him again would change something. That maybe he would say something and it would flick a switch inside her and everything would be better. That it would take away all those years of hurt. She knows it's stupid but she couldn't stop herself from hoping. He might not look how she remembers him, but he's still the same man who caused all that hurt inside her and it's not going to go away just because he dies. She realises that now. But he's still her dad and no matter how much she wants to hate him she can't change that. She can't erase the memories she has of the fun things they did together when she was little. She can't just erase him no matter how much she wants to.

"You're not like him."

Naomi's head snaps up and Effy shrugs.

"I know you hurt Emily before but you're not like your dad."

Naomi shakes her head slightly. She knows that's not true. In some ways she's exactly like her dad and those are the parts of her that she hates. The parts she desperately tries to keep in check so that she doesn't hurt the people she loves. She knows she doesn't always do such a good job of that.

"I am though. Sometimes I'm just like him."

"You're not," Effy says firmly, staring right at Naomi like she really wants her to hear her. "Yeah you fucked up with Emily, but you stuck around to fix it. You're not like him. You don't have to be if you don't want to be. You get to choose, Naomi."

Naomi feels the words sink in and her eyes glaze and let's herself cry in front of Effy for the first time since they were kids, not even realising that her friend's words were what she needed to hear, what she had been worried about.

-x-

"You ready?"

Naomi turns and smiles at her girlfriend, nodding her head in answer. Emily squeezes her hand and offers an encouraging smile. The blonde can tell that her girlfriend is nervous and it makes her love her all the more for doing this with her. Emily had been upset when Naomi told her all about her dad but she'd handled it with the grace and understanding that seems to come so easily to her. When Emily had kissed her and held her close Naomi had instantly felt like a fool for not telling her sooner. She didn't need her to understand how she was feeling or why, she just needed her girlfriend to hold her and tell her that she loves her and that whatever she is feeling is okay.

Naomi takes a deep breath and feels an unexpected thrill of excitement at the prospect of introducing her wonderful girlfriend to her father. She's not sure why but it feels right going to see him, spending time with him before he dies. And if she's honest, a small part of her wants him to know that she turned out okay. That she's not like him and has built a life with family and friends and the girl she loves. And when she catches her dad's eye while Emily is telling him their apartment hunting story and he sends her a warm smile and a wink, she thinks that maybe that's all he wanted to know as well. She's glad to give him that.

.

.

* * *

**For those of you who have been wonderful and supportive and sent lovely messages I just want to say thanks. I know I don't reply sometimes but they do mean a lot. **

**Title for this story comes from one of my all-time fave songs, **_**'I'll Believe in Anything'**_** by Wolf Parade.**

**:)**


End file.
